Change

September 16, 2016

It has been years since I last updated my blog. I have been very busy with my kid and own life.

Last year, I have attended a meditation class which has helped me to changed my life. From being a negative person, I have changed to be more positive, happy and grateful to life. In the class, we were taught to meditate and practice compassionate.

I have made many wonderful friends there and our friendship stays strong till today. Now I feel wonderful and thank God for such a change in my life.

I will try to share more the next time I update my blog.

May everyone be blessed with good and healthy life!!! 🙂

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Travelling and outstation trips

October 19, 2014

I am not feeling happy. Actually I am sad and disappointed. my I laws are kind enough to bring my sons for a holiday trip. This left my hubby and myself free for 2 days. I was so happy at this golden opportunity to have ‘couple’ time and proposed that we can go on a trip too. I really like going on trips although to places that we already visited before. But he turned me down straight away. He said since nobody is at home, we can occupy the house.

i felt like crying out loud! My life is so boring all this while!!! My life is only spend at office and at home!! I don’t get to go out at all!! My job requires me to sit at my place all the time. Once work is over, I go home to my house which I am also not happy. 7 days a week and continue for years…. I am really bored…. I need to get out…. I am going crazy…..

I really like traveling. I really envy people who gets to travel. I could not travel as my salary could only allow me to pay for all my family’s expenses. Even that, it’s not sufficient. I have to save and save in order to spend. Sometimes, I have some extra money after paying all my expenses and children’s fees but could not go traveling as hubby has to work. I dare not go alone to avoid problems as solo travelers. I do not like to invite troubles and later cause troubles for family members.

Actually with my salary, I can afford to buy a small compact car. Then, I can go out and hang out with friends or send my children for classes or even go back to my parents place. But, If I really do buy a car, I will no longer able to pay all my expenses and cover all my children’s schooling fees. Sometimes I really wish that I am richer. At least I can cover all expenses, save some money for rainy days and can also afford travelling, my life will be happier.

Back to my topic on traveling…. Few years back, I had wanted to visit Bangkok… But after calculating the cost for 2 persons, I have dropped the idea. I could not afford that big amount of money. My sister told me to just go and don’t think too much of money. But how could I? If I were to go, I will not able to pay for my son’s insurance, school fees, books, uniform and etc…. I was so heartbroken… I do have plenty of places that I wanted to visit.. But don’t think I can visit them. I guess I just have to satisfy myself by looking at photos and browsing the net..

Feeling very sad now… Will be crying myself to sleep tonight….. 😦

Just an update….

August 16, 2014

It’s been a very long time since. I last posted….. Working life have been very hectic. Juggling between working and mother’s role isn’t really easy. Got to choose between money or time spend with kids…. Tough decision.

But God have been very kind to me. I am very grateful to him who have helped me to cope with my life.  

Kids are growing up. My elder son is now 10 years of age while younger son is now 8 years old. Time really fly. As they grow, I am getting older. Don’t think I have done much in life. Money is still an issue though not as bad as previously. I am still trying my very best to save for my kids’ education fund. As for my retirement fund, it is growing very slowly as I really don’t earn much. I really wonder when I am at the retirement age, will I have sufficient funds to finance myself.

Anyway, I am living day by day… Hopefully my life will get better soon.

Money…money…money…

June 16, 2013

Here I am again…feeling very down. I could not sleep every night. I think I am very stress with my life… everything seems very gloom to me.

I have monetary problems… My family consist of 4 person namely hubby, 2 kids and myself. Hubby has not been bringing in the dough for years. I am the one who  brings in the dough day in and day out. This is stressing me a lot. I have to pay for the daily expenses, yearly insurance premium which consist of more than RM10,000, kids schooling expenses, kids extra co-curiculum activities, outdoor trips and etc… the list goes on.

I really do not know how to finance all these expenses. I wanted money to spend on myself too. Why can’ I get this? I am truly not happy. Every weekend, I try not to go out so that I can save the money. But how much I can save?

I really envy other people where they can spend their own money  on themselves. Or better still, their hubby can sponsor their spending… But on my case, I have to sponsor his expenses.

This life is really not fair to me. I feel like leaving this world. I really cannot take it anymore. I wanted to rent a hotel room and bring in my sleeping pills. Just sleep off as much as possible. I really do not mind not waking up at all. Just wanted to leave this world…

But I realised that I have yet to save money for my kids. I really do not know after I leave this world, will they have money to survive. Can’t count on hubby. I think if I really leave, he will count on his family to support his own kids. Pathetic right? That is why I am still here…

I really could not sleep at night. I am having insomnia….. all because of money.. and stress…I am so unhappy. I see no reason to live.

Kids are getting poor grades in school. Rather play than study. I also have intention to own a house. But due to monetary issues, I have yet to achieve this  aim. Owning a house is my priority as this can help my kids to concentrate. They are not able to concentrate in their studies here as there are too much distraction. But no one seems to realised that.

Why can’t I get what I wish for? Why is it so difficult? Until now, I have yet to get a new job as I had wanted. How to increase my financial position? All I can do is to cry myself to sleep. As I type this, my tears are flowing, but who can sympathies? Who will know and understand my position?

 

Current Situation

July 29, 2012

Its been more than 1 year since I updated my post. I have been really busy….. work and family…….. not to mentioned I am no longer young……. hehehehe…:)

I am still working with the same company which I joined after staying at home bringing up my kids. Life at office is not really rosy… but at least I am working to support my family. Money is never enough…. not enough to survive…. my lunch in office has to be either oats or left over food from yesterday’s dinner as gotto save as much as possible. Once in a while, will allow myself to buy lunch from cafeteria but try to stay within RM5 budget. People thinks that I am trying to diet, but by actual fact is I am trying to save money.

Work in office is tough with a boss who I think is very lousy. She does not distribute work evenly. Some who works hard, will get more work. And those who is not so good, will get less work…. Is this fair? Some of colleagues get to sleep, read newspaper or magazine, go missing in action, smoking and chat or watch youtube all during office hours….. I do see my boss reprimanding them, maybe she does it during appraisal time. But I think she should reprimand them in public so that no one do it.

I have decided to look for another job so that I can have an increase in my salary. Its been months I search through job portals but not many jobs are suitable for me. Probably I am too old now….. but will keep on trying… hopefully I can get a job which pays more, near to home and less stressful. I am praying hard daily for this wish to come true……

Busy life

June 19, 2011

I have started working full time again after many years of being a Staying At Home Mom. Its hard, really, going back to working world. But I do not have a choice. We are really financially poor.

Its been more than a year since I have started work. Its kinda nice , as you get to have lunch with other people, work, get paid at the end of the month and etc….. Having own money means that you get to buy whatever you want, get to eat out more, treated myself to thai massage twice too! 🙂

But all these have put a toll on my kids too. I think they are being neglected. I no longer spend time with them as my work takes me away from them most of the time. I come home quite late. And sometimes, when I come home, they are already asleep. 😦

Their studies are my concern too. Since I am not around to monitor them, they spend most of their spare time watching tv. I really dislike it so much. But what can I do? Told them many times to try to spend more time on homework, reading, outdoor activity or art and craft, but they ignored me.

Saturday and Sundays are spend with family. If not, i would rather sleep…. my favorite pastime. How I wish I can have more time for my kids and at the same time, money still comes in every month end……… 🙂

Feeling very down

February 6, 2011

I am really feeling  down. I am a mother of 2 young boys. My hubby is a real estate agent but he is not really good at it. He has been in this field for approximately 5 years. But his income per month is really low and most of the time, none at al. Now, its me who is supporting the family. He likes to play computer games throughout the day. He does not want to work for people as his ego is too big. I am too stressed out as my income is too low to support the entire family. Whenever I told him to stop playing games, he gets mad. I have already very prudent in my spending. Actually I do not spend at all. I am even eating oats for lunch so that I can save for the family. Whenever I go out, I only choose the cheapest things in town for myself. Most of my things are so outdated. Its not me that is so outdated, but I do not have the money to be in fashion. My sons are also not so well behaved. He is in Std 1 right now. But when he gets home, all he does is play and play. I have told him to at least finish his homework before he goes to play. Probably he is too young to understand self control. But this will cause me to fork out a chuck of my salary to send him to a daycare centre for studies. I really do not have a choice.  I really do not now how am I going to survive any longer. We still have not got an insurance policy for my younger son. I really owe him this. I really plan to buy him one very soon. But with such budget constraint, how can I manage? Tried very long to find a part time job, but still could not find one that is suitable. I come home quite late after work, as such, not much time to work part time too. Not too mentioned that I am really tired at the end of the day. I am really stressed out. Anyway out? Tried talking to hubby but failed. He still keep playing games not knowing that he is almost reaching  age 40 and yet still without a proper job and income. I do not know what is he thinking. He keep telling me that he have plans in his mind but lack of money. If he continue like this, I rather die as I am too tired. Actually I do not mind to provide for the family, but as long as you are as working and contribute some, I would be grateful. And do stop playing games as it is so addictive until you would rather send us out of your way so that you can have peace to yourself to play. Have you ever think about me? I have feelings too! Sometimes, I wanted to go out too. All you do is to ask me where do I want to go? Can’t you just bring me somewhere and plan for me at times? If I do not suggest a place, you would just stay at home and continue to play your games. Can’t you just plan something for me? Can you just give me some surprises instead of just being a driver? If I am not able to find a place to go or eat, can’t you just google some places for us? Why must you continue to play your games? I am really bored. Really really bored and sad and hurt. I really wish that I have more money. I used to hate money. But now I really wish that I have more money. I still have lots of important things that I need to spend on especially for my kids. I don’t think you care enough for your kids. You do not care much about other people but yourself. You are really a selfish person who only care for yourself. As long as you can play games, you will be satisfied. You have never think about my feelings and needs. You also do not care much about your kids. If you care enough for your kids, you will not play games and instead, put all your energy in looking for more money for the family. Since playing games is your priority each day, tell me how much you care for your family? If you can use all your time on your games and use it to look for money, I think it will make a big difference. Tell me, what can I do more?

Shocking sentence from ZM (5yrs+)

January 21, 2010

Yesterday night after ZM had brushed his teeth and changed into his pajamas, he came into our room where I was in front of the computer. He suddenly said some weird stuffs to me.

He said: Mummy, please don’t die first. I don’t want you to die so early. You can only die after I die!

I got a shock of my life when I heard him saying this. But I calm myself and asked him why did he said like that. He said he miss me very much and would not want to see me die. I quickly comfort him that I will not die before him and will see him through his growing years. I reminded him about his grandparents who are still around and big we are now! This calmed him down and he relaxed.

My…. oh…. my……Is my son thinking too much? I know he is very attached to me, but saying things like this is scaring me, as he thinks too much!

Hurray!!!!!I got it!

January 15, 2010

Hurray! I manage to get that job!!! 🙂

In the morning, I had to go to the HR department to get a letter to perform the medical check. Then, I have to go to the clinic which is not at the same building as the HR department. Luckily hubby was around to chauffeur me.  The medical checkup was fast. Luckily I manage to pass all the test, which are: Physical Examination, Drug Test, Chest X-Ray and Colour-Blindness Test. The doctor was a lady and she was a really nice and gentle lady. My medical report was then presented to me.

After the checkup, I have to go back to HR department to hand them my report. Then only my offer letter can be release to me. Oh, how happy I am when I get to hold the offer letter. Its been quite some time I have entered a large organisation. The HR staff then proceeded to explain to me all the terms and condition. After that, she introduced me to all the HR staffs to me!

Together with my offer letter is a letter for me to open an account for my salary. I wasted no time and went to open an account after having lunch with hubby.

Woohoo! 🙂

Happy Day

January 13, 2010

Yesterday, I got a call from PM, which I was waiting since last week. It was a call that I was looking forward for. Yes, I am changing my career. I have always wanted to get hold of a permanent full time job for a very long time already.

Since ZM and ZD has already started schooling this year, I am free at last. I have planned this for a long time. They are both put into full day program in school so that I can go to work.

As currently I am only working from home, my income is so unstable and low. I could not go on like this anymore as I really need the money. The fees for both of them are so high and  plus ZM is enrolled in Speech and Drama Class. Each month, the expenses for the kids are so high!

At last, PM called and said that I manage to get the job. But I need to go through a medical checkup which is scheduled tomorrow. If I pass the checkup, then only the offer letter will be issued. Hope that I can pass with flying colours! 🙂